SHAKESPEARE, apparently had it right. All the world is a stage. “You are actors. And the stage is your family,” says Claude Guldner, a marriage and family therapist and professor emeritus at the University of Guelph in Ontario, Canada. “The kids see everything on that stage.”

          For better or worse, our day-to-day intereactions with our spouse – such things as decision-making, conflict and displays of afdfection – slowly construct what Judith Siegel calls our children’s “blueprint for intimacy.”

          Siegel is the author of What Children from Their Parents’ Marriage and a professor at the Ehrenkranz School of Social Work in New Yourk University. She says research shows that this primary model of intimacy makes a lasting impression on kids. “In a problematic marriage, children might develop behavioral problems or health problems such as gaining weight or headaches,” says Siegel. Their gradses may drop, their personalities change.

          And kids can carry the burden of marital difficulties into their own adult relationships. “Not only can kids take on their parents’ unfinished business, but this can be passed down, generation after generation,” Guldner explains.

          There’s a positive flip side to this, of course. “When we look at children who come from families where there are healthy marital relationships, we see it reflected in their physical health as well as their ability to function well socially and academically,” says Jane Margles, a clinical psychologist at York University in Toronto.

          Experts and parents agree that the bedrock of a healthy marriage is mutual respect. “It’s always been very important to us that we don’t cut each other down in front of the kids,” says Jasmine Burns.” She and her husband, David, will take one another aside to iron out disagereements instead of doing it in full view of their children.

          Saving criticism until after the fact can also work. “Many times I think my husband is too hard on the boys,” says Ivanna McNeal, “But I let him handle the situation, and then when we are alone, I let him know what I think.”

          Siegel also urges parents to be careful when and where they chose to blow off steam about their spouse’s shortcomings. “People sometimes complain to their family and friends about their partner on the telephone, not realizing that their children are listening,” she explains.

          It takes maturity, however, to realize that thew long-term goal of mutual respect is more important than minor victories. Catherine Lee, professor pf clinical psychology at the University of Ottawa, urges parents to see their marriage through their children’s eyes. “What do you want to to teach them about how to treat the opposite sex, how to face challenges or cope with feelings?”

          Guldner stresses that this big-picture viewpoint is critical. “It’s through differences that we grow. When a husband and wife create space for each other’s ideas, then kids learn.”

          Though parents Judith Cullington and Glen Okrainetz have never sat down and explained their decision-making processes, their sons have been aware of it from an early age. When the boys, now 11 and 14, question rules or major decisions, they’re aweare that both parents’ views carry equal weight. As Okrainetz explains, “They’ll quite often say, ‘You may want to talk to Mum about this first, but here’s what I want to do.”

          As they grow, kids absorb decision-making techniques simply by overhearing conversations, says Lee. A discussion about where and when to go for a holiday, for example, can illustrate planning and compromise. Normal, everyday life-managing discussions, of course, can sometimes develop into heated exchanges, but conflict can be a valuable opportunity for learning if handled properly.

          Whether the agreement focuses on daily hassles or life-changing decisions, how you argue occupies center stage. “Being open to listen openly and present your position without taking anything away from your partner is a wonderful skill,” saysa Siegel. “If children are able to see parents do that, they’re no longer afreaid of differences because having a difference doesn’t mean a disaster.” Indeed, the child who experiences nonviolent conflicts at home is better prepared to deal with it in the outside world.

          “We don’t have to pretend that we’re always in agreement as long as we resolve it,” says Margles. Having kids kids witness this process gives them tools they can use now with school friends or siblings.” They learn negotiation skills, compromising, active listening skills and respect for the other person.”

          After the storm, parents shouldn’t be shy about kissing and making up. “Children need to know that their parents like each other and have a friendship,” says Siegel. A kiss, a hug, or a compliment can go a long way to nurturing you and your spouse’s relationship, while helping children develop emotionally.

          Of course, there are times when having the kids around doesn’t make sense. “I think we need an opportunity sometimes to talk without being conscious of what kind of model we’re making,” says Lee. “It gets tiring being a role model.”

          If your marriage isn’t perfect (and whose is?), it’s not too late to improve. Children are affected even up to university years,” says Siegel. “Not only can parents turn their marriage around, theyr can almost erase, or certainly put into perspective a few rocky years. That teaches their children endurancve and hope and gives them an inner strength they can turn to in their adult years.”